My Little One!

Here I'm, at midnight, with everyone around me deep asleep. Everyone who matter to me the most, who love me the most and who complete my purpose of existence, are peacefully asleep near me. Yet, I'm awake. I'm just super excited at this moment and I feel jotting it down, before this surge goes away..

I'm a father of a sweet little Angel!! Suddenly, my world has changed. As they said - "when you hold your child in your arms for the first time, you grow up!" It's sinking in now! I feel both at the same time - responsible as well as liberated...responsible for the new role and liberated from the fear of not being able to play it efficiently.

Mixed feelings - heightened emotions and little bit of philosophy are gripping! There are only a few things in life that are truly and completely yours, and one of them is your offspring. No one can take you out of your child, she's a blood and flesh of yours, and even a little soul of yours that dwells in her. A little of your smile and frown, a little of your peace and harmony, your ego and anger too! It's like you see yourself in her..you want her not to be like you in many ways, but deep down within, you secretly admire that! And nobody can change that, not even you yourself. My baby is yet to recognize me as her father, but the world already does! When she' s grown up, she can love me, hate me but can never be 'not me'. She is mine forever!

Words are simply inadequate to describe this emotion of being a parent, and this experience is far more happiness than many achievements. All I can now hope is to be a good father, to be like my father..

Random Thoughts…

I could have never realized any more than now, that reality is more vivid, beautiful, harsh as well as bitter than imagination (or movies!).

I do believe that google has almost all the answers that one can think of. For me, it’s god-like (not being an atheist). But it has its own limitations. It cannot take away your fears, cannot cheer you up and neither it can change the reality.

OK, enough of beating around the bush! The thing is, there is a huge burden of emotional transitions that I’m going through currently – “letting go..” as well as “holding on..” situations. And the nearest god-like entity that I could seek some help from, was google. Searching through endless questions into the seamless network of lives connected through yahoo, youtube, blogs and many such virtual societies, I looked for people who had lived through the similar dilemma of “what’s right and wrong” and whose advises, experiences or even bickering could ease the restlessness. But I could still not get rid of the thoughts that are eating away my peace of mind.

I live in a constant state of doubt that something is hidden from me, and the mind continues to dive deep into the sea of irrational possibilities that might be part of the whole reality. I feel the pain and rage of whatever reality (part or whole) I’m aware of and the helplessness of neither being able to change it, or at least forget it! Every sweet moment spent reminds me of the possibility of it getting ruined in the next, and every expression of love appears to be an effortful gesture of sympathy. Neither I can share my mind with the closest ones, nor can I avoid venting it out.

I truly believe that everything comes back to you in this life. No act, howsoever good or bad, is carried forward to the next, for what has happened to me is clearly the result of what I might have done. I do NOT want to believe that everything has a reason to it, for it creates the unceasing pursuit of those ‘reasons’ and by the time I realize I cannot escape, I’m already neck-deep into the quagmire. The more I know, the more I want to know and the more vulnerable I get.

Sometimes, you don’t need a God to fix everything magically, but you need a guardian who can take care of you while you take care of the issues. I want solutions, not answers. I need support, not help.

What’s Trending? Ahh Weddings….

Ok, enough of it! It’s all over the place…..facebook posts, whatsapp statuses, tweets, feeds….wedding of friends, cousins, people I know and people I don’t know! I find myself in a numbing yet slightly nauseated state, the one that is felt when a diwali atom bomb explodes very near to the ears, seeing people closer to me getting married, or in the process of doing so. Com'on, it’s not an exaggeration! It’s like a wildfire approaching fast!

Fine, it might be because we are now in an era of intense social networking, and we are connected with a lot more people than we would actually want to, these updates are quite conspicuous….but it’s still not convincing! I mean, we have been in this for almost half a decade now, and for people our age (or my age to be precise!) social networking is now a receding tide. We have grown up (atleast most of us have!) and don’t post everything we do, online, except for our recent travel pics, may be few location tags, actual social gatherings and of course the important events in our lives (that doesn’t count much, does it! :-P :-P). Still, there is a high influx of updates related to ‘this’ particular life event.

It’s a real accomplishment to have found out someone you can share your life with. Even luckier are the ones who find that right person AND share their lives with them too! And so, I feel really happy for all my dear ones who have recently taken this leap! Guys, do not misunderstand, it’s not your marriage that bothers me, it’s your company that I’d miss and you being on the other side of the fence, it does makes me feel a little lonely :-/

I had read a post (articles are rarely read these days!) about ‘Quarter Life crisis’ and was fascinated by the ‘indications’ of it. Didn’t believe them though at that time, but strangely they are proving to be true :-D :-D many of them are...! Reading an article (Ohh yes, I finally did read an article too!) about it introduced some more exciting terms such as ‘the fear of losing out’ or ‘existential crisis’  that I’d wanted to use, as a show off may be, but, that’s fine! That would be too much to handle! :-D

Anyways, the point is, it does bother sometimes that the changes that are happening all around you, are not happening TO you. It’s not just about the weddings but anything that comes with a particular phase of life. I do remember similar influx of updates from many a friends joining a B-school or graduating with a PG degree, posting their CAT/GATE/GRE/GMAT/whatever scores, or converts, or stuff like that (Show off!) and even that used to bother a little, not much. May be this is also one of those things that is groomed into us – a ‘follow-the-herd’ mindset or a competition!

Everything that’s right for us will eventually happen, and it’s just a question of time. Being happy is all that ever mattered and should always. Oops….what am I writing..! Ran out of thoughts, it’s time to end the post with good wishes to all those who’re soon getting married and hard luck to those who aren’t, any sooner! :-P :-D

A Year of Journey….

Well, it isn’t surprising that people do wake up from their deep euphoric sub-consciousness and write tons of bullshit just after a New Year eve to keep their blogs alive. I am no different! This write-up may very well even not make up to the blog just like many posts – written, but unpublished – lying among the other useless documents in my laptop, or just as the cluttered thoughts in the mind. If it does, you’re a lucky one to read it! Or the unlucky one…

So, what is it about the New Years that makes people ‘think’, recollect and articulate? Well, to me it’s just a milestone, a number that changes dates, depicting the motion of time. Time seems so relative – sometimes so slow, and sometimes so fast. It drains out at 1 second/s – but this second is sometimes as short as a blink of an eye, and sometimes so long as to complete a theatrical flashback in memories. And probably the changing of year is a reason when one waits, churns the mindful of these moments and brings over the most ‘creamy’ ones floating – the moments that just sifted through as we held them tighter, or the ones that engulfed us completely.

As far as I recollect, the year started with a journey that was taking me away from a loved one. And this ‘journey’ is what the year meant – no Origination, no Destination – just an endless journey. I find myself standing at the same juncture as I was a year back, in many ways….

Keeping aside the boring philosophy, this indeed was a year in which I did travel a lot, and to many places. Mumbai being the most memorable time of the year, and in fact, the fastest one too! Of course, it’s Mumbai, it sure as hell be fast! And yet it taught few most important lessons of life – time is invaluable and money isn’t everything. Also, only in Mumbai, did I realize to the core that compromises are a part of life and you better choose the ones that suit you. For many, it takes nearly a lifetime to understand these lessons whereas in Mumbai, it might just take a local train ride on an ordinary rainy day!

Only it was due to Mumbai that I truly comprehended the comforts of a smaller city, Indore (I still can’t believe people referring to it as ‘mini mumbai’!!). I had longer days, shorter journeys, cheaper movie tickets, tastier food, not-so-crowded restaurants and plenty of time to contemplate! Most importantly, family! Something that has been missing for the past 7 years of self-acclaimed exile was family. There’s something about ‘parents’ that we understand at different phases of life. In our childhood, we begin to understand how our parents are, in the teenage we wonder why our parents are the way they are, and finally when we take steering of our life in our own hands, we then understand why they are the way they are.

Coming back to the journey, yes there were a lot more trips too, although short, but they were full of experiences – love, longing, trust, envy, dejection and hope. I got a chance to met most of my family members (extended ones) as well as friends who are close. I was sometimes fortunate enough to share the happiest moments of my loved ones, and unfortunate too, to miss them with many.

Finally, I have returned to where I was, a year back, and am yet to finish this journey. So far it’s been exciting, tiring, exhausting and replenishing. There are some unbroken threads, absolutions and ‘let go’ issues to be dealt with, which are lingering over, burdening the shoulders and slowing my pace.

RESOLUTION FOR THIS YEAR – Clear your head, buckle up and vrooommm !!!!

Desires...

Right now, sitting in the cosy chair, feeling the warmth of the room and restlessness of the never quenching desires of heart, I just want to pen down my anxiety. Seeking the alternatives for the unfulfilled wishes, I now begin to realize, and amuse to some extent, the power of Desires and the meaning of one’s life being just to fulfill one after the other.

Sri Sri Ravishankar has once said
                                 
“Unfortunate are those who desire, and it never gets fulfilled;
Little fortunate are those who desire and it gets fulfilled after a long time;
Fortunate are those who desire and it gets fulfilled in no time; but
Most Fortunate are those whose desires get fulfilled even before they desire.”

I now believe the every word of it but this realization is tough. Not because this fulfillment and unfulfillment depends upon one’s fate or destiny, but to what extent a person can go and try to fulfill them and can’t give up or let go, and succumb to this ‘law’.

           We desire, we strive for its fruition and then we desire more. We think that we are capable enough to fulfill the next one too, but are we fortunate enough this time? May be not! And this creates the restlessness, the unbearable thirst, the anxiety depriving us of our inner peace. How do we rejuvenate this peace then? Should we switch on to the next?

           I started recollecting all my achievements, my fortunes, people to whom I mean a lot and are with me, and how lucky I am to have all these when many others don’t. But it still cannot recover my Self from one loss, one defeat, or one insistence and I reason myself “Why?” not to find an answer but to get stuck into an unending loop of “What if?”.

           We humans are so hypocrite that if something is out of our reach just because we’re not capable enough, we make peace with the self quickly, hiding our incompetency and framing stories of what went wrong instead of accepting our fault or imperfection. But if something is not meant for us even if we gave our best, went all the way and in the end lost, we curse. God, people, situation, luck everything is to be blamed and we don’t give up even then until someone comes to us, slaps to our face and says “Wake up to reality! This is not for you!”. “Why not? Am I not worth it? Have I not given my best?”. “Yes, you have, but it’s not for you”. “But why.....why?” and this unanswered “Why” is all we are left with….

All I can now feel is that nothing hurts more than unfulfilled desires and broken expectations.

Abstract

Ever since we started growing up, understanding things, believing things, we knew that everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) could be divided into two – material and abstract. Things that we could feel by senses and calculate, was to be put into the first category (with shape or otherwise). And, the rest that we could feel by heart, believe, have faith in, were considered to be the second category – the abstract.

To possess the first kind, we invented MONEY. As we could always measure the MATERIAL things, we decided upon the price for each. That’s where we created the rift between people – ones who could possess enough, the RICH and the others who couldn’t, the POOR. Money could buy a house, food of all tastes, clothes of all styles, machines of all kinds.

But, we always wondered about the other kind – the ABSTRACT. Happiness, love, contentment, peace, God, etc. were the things that fell into this category. The cause and effect of each of them always remained inexplicable. The most we could achieve was that most of the things in this category were controlled by mind, which in turn could be controlled (nothing more than a mere assumption!).

We tried to measure these things, but failed mostly. This wasn’t a difficult realization that generic rules couldn’t be applied. All these things might have depended upon the mind, but were different for each of us. The foolish game had already started!

We tried to buy them – pay any price we could. We started manipulating the ABSTRACT using money. But, did we really succeed? We tried to buy Honesty of people by paying bribes, the honesty that never existed. We manipulated people on their religious beliefs by our words and actions, the beliefs that were never firm. We invented drugs that could trigger hormones, but not the feelings. We could laugh, but not be happy. We could cure, but not be healthy. We fought wars, but never created peace. We could savor every taste, but couldn’t kill hunger. We paid for sex, but couldn’t buy love. We prayed endlessly, but couldn’t find God. We could possess, but never be contented. All we could increase was Anger, fear, chaos, misery, restlessness and the never-quenching desire.

We sought, what’s always been within us. The mind, the soul, the self is all we need to understand the abstract. It’s only the UNDERSTANDING that’s required, because something which can’t be measured, can’t be increased or decreased or created or destroyed. It can just be FELT. All we have to do is FEEL. That’s what makes us human.

Weekends.....

Of the many things that I’ve grown up learning into this IT industry, is the importance of the days called ‘weekends’. Usually, we find accustomed to such 5-day-working schedule right from our college days. But, then Saturday was just another holiday, an added advantage, sort of icing over the cake. We never understood its importance as we never sweated through our days called ‘weekdays’, back then. But now, it’s this Saturday, which is the most awaited. Saturday, indeed, has become a ‘celebrity’ among all the rest of the six peers of his, and we whole-heartedly despise Monday, amongst all, as if it’s the villain. Somehow, Sunday has lost its charm the way it had, in the school days.

Anyways, the point is, we now desperately wait for these two days to arrive so that we can do the things that we can’t during the weekdays, or simply not do anything at all! To which, I’m reminded of a question that most of us are either frequently struck with or even like to pry…..”How do you spend your weekends?” As if the answer can somehow help us measure the quality of a person’s life. Or that even spending a weekend is an art in itself! Mostly, my answer to the question is “Nothing, just relaxing..” and this is subjected to further scrutiny by the questioning body as “how is it possible that you do nothing on weekends?” and then there is piling up of some unwanted advices as “….you should go out with your folks……watch a movie……meet old friends……go partying…call the relatives….etc. etc.”

Initially, it would even make me give a little thought over the ‘art of spending a weekend’, but then I realized that I do exactly what I expect from a weekend. First of all, “..doing nothing…” isn’t an absolute phrase, it’s just a metaphor that means “…doing nothing that might interest you, or amuse you…” and why should it when it’s YOUR time, not anyone else’s. Secondly, I don’t believe that ‘doing nothing’ means ‘wasting time’. Instead, it’s the time we spend it with ourselves, completely.

For me, ‘doing nothing’ comprises of some movie watching which is mostly a pleasurable time and in my case, it even leaves an impression (commonly known as movie after-effects) which might even strike a chord within. Then there is some random roaming around the market place or the garden, to get some fresh air in and feel lively. Usually, after buying stuff (you always need to buy something on every weekend, even at a mere sight of a shop!), I just sit down with a coke can and look around. I look around at people who’re looking back at me, possibly both of us trying to figure out that have we ever seen each other before (every one of us has déjà vu!). I look around at people who’re as busy as they might appear on any other day, as if the weekend doesn’t make much difference to them. I look at few couples who’re happy together, and I feel good as they bring smile on my face due to the momentary lapse of realization of my own loneliness. Then there are people whose smile cannot conceal their sadness, and they constantly try to create an illusion of themselves having a jolly good time, even when they probably wish to be somewhere else, or with someone else, or may be alone. Then there are eyes searching for some shop to buy from, or someone to meet, or maybe they’re the ones doing the same thing that I am, just searching for emotions in other’s eyes.

This ‘seeing around’ is so intense that we even lose track of time, just sitting at a place. By every passerby that we notice, somewhere we start creating our own picture of him, portraying his personality in our own imaginative ways. His each action or movements adds a blend to his impression in us. We may continuously erase, redraw and add colors to that image but we might not realize whether the personality we’re drawing matches the real character. And from here begins the reign of our ‘judgment’. We start acting upon that image instead of the real character. This leads us to either overestimating or underestimating others. This thought process has to be controlled and can be done only by allowing it to flow, make impressions, draw images, but not FRAME them.

So much for so less time! Now, it won’t be fair enough to judge ‘doing nothing’ by just sleeping or being lazy, will it!