My Little One!

Here I'm, at midnight, with everyone around me deep asleep. Everyone who matter to me the most, who love me the most and who complete my purpose of existence, are peacefully asleep near me. Yet, I'm awake. I'm just super excited at this moment and I feel jotting it down, before this surge goes away..

I'm a father of a sweet little Angel!! Suddenly, my world has changed. As they said - "when you hold your child in your arms for the first time, you grow up!" It's sinking in now! I feel both at the same time - responsible as well as liberated...responsible for the new role and liberated from the fear of not being able to play it efficiently.

Mixed feelings - heightened emotions and little bit of philosophy are gripping! There are only a few things in life that are truly and completely yours, and one of them is your offspring. No one can take you out of your child, she's a blood and flesh of yours, and even a little soul of yours that dwells in her. A little of your smile and frown, a little of your peace and harmony, your ego and anger too! It's like you see yourself in her..you want her not to be like you in many ways, but deep down within, you secretly admire that! And nobody can change that, not even you yourself. My baby is yet to recognize me as her father, but the world already does! When she' s grown up, she can love me, hate me but can never be 'not me'. She is mine forever!

Words are simply inadequate to describe this emotion of being a parent, and this experience is far more happiness than many achievements. All I can now hope is to be a good father, to be like my father..

Random Thoughts…

I could have never realized any more than now, that reality is more vivid, beautiful, harsh as well as bitter than imagination (or movies!).

I do believe that google has almost all the answers that one can think of. For me, it’s god-like (not being an atheist). But it has its own limitations. It cannot take away your fears, cannot cheer you up and neither it can change the reality.

OK, enough of beating around the bush! The thing is, there is a huge burden of emotional transitions that I’m going through currently – “letting go..” as well as “holding on..” situations. And the nearest god-like entity that I could seek some help from, was google. Searching through endless questions into the seamless network of lives connected through yahoo, youtube, blogs and many such virtual societies, I looked for people who had lived through the similar dilemma of “what’s right and wrong” and whose advises, experiences or even bickering could ease the restlessness. But I could still not get rid of the thoughts that are eating away my peace of mind.

I live in a constant state of doubt that something is hidden from me, and the mind continues to dive deep into the sea of irrational possibilities that might be part of the whole reality. I feel the pain and rage of whatever reality (part or whole) I’m aware of and the helplessness of neither being able to change it, or at least forget it! Every sweet moment spent reminds me of the possibility of it getting ruined in the next, and every expression of love appears to be an effortful gesture of sympathy. Neither I can share my mind with the closest ones, nor can I avoid venting it out.

I truly believe that everything comes back to you in this life. No act, howsoever good or bad, is carried forward to the next, for what has happened to me is clearly the result of what I might have done. I do NOT want to believe that everything has a reason to it, for it creates the unceasing pursuit of those ‘reasons’ and by the time I realize I cannot escape, I’m already neck-deep into the quagmire. The more I know, the more I want to know and the more vulnerable I get.

Sometimes, you don’t need a God to fix everything magically, but you need a guardian who can take care of you while you take care of the issues. I want solutions, not answers. I need support, not help.

What’s Trending? Ahh Weddings….

Ok, enough of it! It’s all over the place…..facebook posts, whatsapp statuses, tweets, feeds….wedding of friends, cousins, people I know and people I don’t know! I find myself in a numbing yet slightly nauseated state, the one that is felt when a diwali atom bomb explodes very near to the ears, seeing people closer to me getting married, or in the process of doing so. Com'on, it’s not an exaggeration! It’s like a wildfire approaching fast!

Fine, it might be because we are now in an era of intense social networking, and we are connected with a lot more people than we would actually want to, these updates are quite conspicuous….but it’s still not convincing! I mean, we have been in this for almost half a decade now, and for people our age (or my age to be precise!) social networking is now a receding tide. We have grown up (atleast most of us have!) and don’t post everything we do, online, except for our recent travel pics, may be few location tags, actual social gatherings and of course the important events in our lives (that doesn’t count much, does it! :-P :-P). Still, there is a high influx of updates related to ‘this’ particular life event.

It’s a real accomplishment to have found out someone you can share your life with. Even luckier are the ones who find that right person AND share their lives with them too! And so, I feel really happy for all my dear ones who have recently taken this leap! Guys, do not misunderstand, it’s not your marriage that bothers me, it’s your company that I’d miss and you being on the other side of the fence, it does makes me feel a little lonely :-/

I had read a post (articles are rarely read these days!) about ‘Quarter Life crisis’ and was fascinated by the ‘indications’ of it. Didn’t believe them though at that time, but strangely they are proving to be true :-D :-D many of them are...! Reading an article (Ohh yes, I finally did read an article too!) about it introduced some more exciting terms such as ‘the fear of losing out’ or ‘existential crisis’  that I’d wanted to use, as a show off may be, but, that’s fine! That would be too much to handle! :-D

Anyways, the point is, it does bother sometimes that the changes that are happening all around you, are not happening TO you. It’s not just about the weddings but anything that comes with a particular phase of life. I do remember similar influx of updates from many a friends joining a B-school or graduating with a PG degree, posting their CAT/GATE/GRE/GMAT/whatever scores, or converts, or stuff like that (Show off!) and even that used to bother a little, not much. May be this is also one of those things that is groomed into us – a ‘follow-the-herd’ mindset or a competition!

Everything that’s right for us will eventually happen, and it’s just a question of time. Being happy is all that ever mattered and should always. Oops….what am I writing..! Ran out of thoughts, it’s time to end the post with good wishes to all those who’re soon getting married and hard luck to those who aren’t, any sooner! :-P :-D

A Year of Journey….

Well, it isn’t surprising that people do wake up from their deep euphoric sub-consciousness and write tons of bullshit just after a New Year eve to keep their blogs alive. I am no different! This write-up may very well even not make up to the blog just like many posts – written, but unpublished – lying among the other useless documents in my laptop, or just as the cluttered thoughts in the mind. If it does, you’re a lucky one to read it! Or the unlucky one…

So, what is it about the New Years that makes people ‘think’, recollect and articulate? Well, to me it’s just a milestone, a number that changes dates, depicting the motion of time. Time seems so relative – sometimes so slow, and sometimes so fast. It drains out at 1 second/s – but this second is sometimes as short as a blink of an eye, and sometimes so long as to complete a theatrical flashback in memories. And probably the changing of year is a reason when one waits, churns the mindful of these moments and brings over the most ‘creamy’ ones floating – the moments that just sifted through as we held them tighter, or the ones that engulfed us completely.

As far as I recollect, the year started with a journey that was taking me away from a loved one. And this ‘journey’ is what the year meant – no Origination, no Destination – just an endless journey. I find myself standing at the same juncture as I was a year back, in many ways….

Keeping aside the boring philosophy, this indeed was a year in which I did travel a lot, and to many places. Mumbai being the most memorable time of the year, and in fact, the fastest one too! Of course, it’s Mumbai, it sure as hell be fast! And yet it taught few most important lessons of life – time is invaluable and money isn’t everything. Also, only in Mumbai, did I realize to the core that compromises are a part of life and you better choose the ones that suit you. For many, it takes nearly a lifetime to understand these lessons whereas in Mumbai, it might just take a local train ride on an ordinary rainy day!

Only it was due to Mumbai that I truly comprehended the comforts of a smaller city, Indore (I still can’t believe people referring to it as ‘mini mumbai’!!). I had longer days, shorter journeys, cheaper movie tickets, tastier food, not-so-crowded restaurants and plenty of time to contemplate! Most importantly, family! Something that has been missing for the past 7 years of self-acclaimed exile was family. There’s something about ‘parents’ that we understand at different phases of life. In our childhood, we begin to understand how our parents are, in the teenage we wonder why our parents are the way they are, and finally when we take steering of our life in our own hands, we then understand why they are the way they are.

Coming back to the journey, yes there were a lot more trips too, although short, but they were full of experiences – love, longing, trust, envy, dejection and hope. I got a chance to met most of my family members (extended ones) as well as friends who are close. I was sometimes fortunate enough to share the happiest moments of my loved ones, and unfortunate too, to miss them with many.

Finally, I have returned to where I was, a year back, and am yet to finish this journey. So far it’s been exciting, tiring, exhausting and replenishing. There are some unbroken threads, absolutions and ‘let go’ issues to be dealt with, which are lingering over, burdening the shoulders and slowing my pace.

RESOLUTION FOR THIS YEAR – Clear your head, buckle up and vrooommm !!!!

Desires...

Right now, sitting in the cosy chair, feeling the warmth of the room and restlessness of the never quenching desires of heart, I just want to pen down my anxiety. Seeking the alternatives for the unfulfilled wishes, I now begin to realize, and amuse to some extent, the power of Desires and the meaning of one’s life being just to fulfill one after the other.

Sri Sri Ravishankar has once said
                                 
“Unfortunate are those who desire, and it never gets fulfilled;
Little fortunate are those who desire and it gets fulfilled after a long time;
Fortunate are those who desire and it gets fulfilled in no time; but
Most Fortunate are those whose desires get fulfilled even before they desire.”

I now believe the every word of it but this realization is tough. Not because this fulfillment and unfulfillment depends upon one’s fate or destiny, but to what extent a person can go and try to fulfill them and can’t give up or let go, and succumb to this ‘law’.

           We desire, we strive for its fruition and then we desire more. We think that we are capable enough to fulfill the next one too, but are we fortunate enough this time? May be not! And this creates the restlessness, the unbearable thirst, the anxiety depriving us of our inner peace. How do we rejuvenate this peace then? Should we switch on to the next?

           I started recollecting all my achievements, my fortunes, people to whom I mean a lot and are with me, and how lucky I am to have all these when many others don’t. But it still cannot recover my Self from one loss, one defeat, or one insistence and I reason myself “Why?” not to find an answer but to get stuck into an unending loop of “What if?”.

           We humans are so hypocrite that if something is out of our reach just because we’re not capable enough, we make peace with the self quickly, hiding our incompetency and framing stories of what went wrong instead of accepting our fault or imperfection. But if something is not meant for us even if we gave our best, went all the way and in the end lost, we curse. God, people, situation, luck everything is to be blamed and we don’t give up even then until someone comes to us, slaps to our face and says “Wake up to reality! This is not for you!”. “Why not? Am I not worth it? Have I not given my best?”. “Yes, you have, but it’s not for you”. “But why.....why?” and this unanswered “Why” is all we are left with….

All I can now feel is that nothing hurts more than unfulfilled desires and broken expectations.

Abstract

Ever since we started growing up, understanding things, believing things, we knew that everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) could be divided into two – material and abstract. Things that we could feel by senses and calculate, was to be put into the first category (with shape or otherwise). And, the rest that we could feel by heart, believe, have faith in, were considered to be the second category – the abstract.

To possess the first kind, we invented MONEY. As we could always measure the MATERIAL things, we decided upon the price for each. That’s where we created the rift between people – ones who could possess enough, the RICH and the others who couldn’t, the POOR. Money could buy a house, food of all tastes, clothes of all styles, machines of all kinds.

But, we always wondered about the other kind – the ABSTRACT. Happiness, love, contentment, peace, God, etc. were the things that fell into this category. The cause and effect of each of them always remained inexplicable. The most we could achieve was that most of the things in this category were controlled by mind, which in turn could be controlled (nothing more than a mere assumption!).

We tried to measure these things, but failed mostly. This wasn’t a difficult realization that generic rules couldn’t be applied. All these things might have depended upon the mind, but were different for each of us. The foolish game had already started!

We tried to buy them – pay any price we could. We started manipulating the ABSTRACT using money. But, did we really succeed? We tried to buy Honesty of people by paying bribes, the honesty that never existed. We manipulated people on their religious beliefs by our words and actions, the beliefs that were never firm. We invented drugs that could trigger hormones, but not the feelings. We could laugh, but not be happy. We could cure, but not be healthy. We fought wars, but never created peace. We could savor every taste, but couldn’t kill hunger. We paid for sex, but couldn’t buy love. We prayed endlessly, but couldn’t find God. We could possess, but never be contented. All we could increase was Anger, fear, chaos, misery, restlessness and the never-quenching desire.

We sought, what’s always been within us. The mind, the soul, the self is all we need to understand the abstract. It’s only the UNDERSTANDING that’s required, because something which can’t be measured, can’t be increased or decreased or created or destroyed. It can just be FELT. All we have to do is FEEL. That’s what makes us human.

Weekends.....

Of the many things that I’ve grown up learning into this IT industry, is the importance of the days called ‘weekends’. Usually, we find accustomed to such 5-day-working schedule right from our college days. But, then Saturday was just another holiday, an added advantage, sort of icing over the cake. We never understood its importance as we never sweated through our days called ‘weekdays’, back then. But now, it’s this Saturday, which is the most awaited. Saturday, indeed, has become a ‘celebrity’ among all the rest of the six peers of his, and we whole-heartedly despise Monday, amongst all, as if it’s the villain. Somehow, Sunday has lost its charm the way it had, in the school days.

Anyways, the point is, we now desperately wait for these two days to arrive so that we can do the things that we can’t during the weekdays, or simply not do anything at all! To which, I’m reminded of a question that most of us are either frequently struck with or even like to pry…..”How do you spend your weekends?” As if the answer can somehow help us measure the quality of a person’s life. Or that even spending a weekend is an art in itself! Mostly, my answer to the question is “Nothing, just relaxing..” and this is subjected to further scrutiny by the questioning body as “how is it possible that you do nothing on weekends?” and then there is piling up of some unwanted advices as “….you should go out with your folks……watch a movie……meet old friends……go partying…call the relatives….etc. etc.”

Initially, it would even make me give a little thought over the ‘art of spending a weekend’, but then I realized that I do exactly what I expect from a weekend. First of all, “..doing nothing…” isn’t an absolute phrase, it’s just a metaphor that means “…doing nothing that might interest you, or amuse you…” and why should it when it’s YOUR time, not anyone else’s. Secondly, I don’t believe that ‘doing nothing’ means ‘wasting time’. Instead, it’s the time we spend it with ourselves, completely.

For me, ‘doing nothing’ comprises of some movie watching which is mostly a pleasurable time and in my case, it even leaves an impression (commonly known as movie after-effects) which might even strike a chord within. Then there is some random roaming around the market place or the garden, to get some fresh air in and feel lively. Usually, after buying stuff (you always need to buy something on every weekend, even at a mere sight of a shop!), I just sit down with a coke can and look around. I look around at people who’re looking back at me, possibly both of us trying to figure out that have we ever seen each other before (every one of us has déjà vu!). I look around at people who’re as busy as they might appear on any other day, as if the weekend doesn’t make much difference to them. I look at few couples who’re happy together, and I feel good as they bring smile on my face due to the momentary lapse of realization of my own loneliness. Then there are people whose smile cannot conceal their sadness, and they constantly try to create an illusion of themselves having a jolly good time, even when they probably wish to be somewhere else, or with someone else, or may be alone. Then there are eyes searching for some shop to buy from, or someone to meet, or maybe they’re the ones doing the same thing that I am, just searching for emotions in other’s eyes.

This ‘seeing around’ is so intense that we even lose track of time, just sitting at a place. By every passerby that we notice, somewhere we start creating our own picture of him, portraying his personality in our own imaginative ways. His each action or movements adds a blend to his impression in us. We may continuously erase, redraw and add colors to that image but we might not realize whether the personality we’re drawing matches the real character. And from here begins the reign of our ‘judgment’. We start acting upon that image instead of the real character. This leads us to either overestimating or underestimating others. This thought process has to be controlled and can be done only by allowing it to flow, make impressions, draw images, but not FRAME them.

So much for so less time! Now, it won’t be fair enough to judge ‘doing nothing’ by just sleeping or being lazy, will it!

Choices..

In every phase of life, and for every Action or Decision that we take, we spent most of the time dealing with CHOICES. I have a different understanding of the two words – Choices and Options. Options are something that might be derived of all the POSSIBILITIES, but Choices are those ‘options’ that are derived from the FEASIBILITIES. These feasibilities will depend upon our own willingness, or on someone else’s, or they might depend upon the situation.

What makes me feel or write about such crappish philosophy today, is the fact that for quite a long time now, I’ve been struggling with these choices. It makes me feel so helpless at times when the mind and heart do not conform to one another that I simply want to shut myself from everything, shred the responsibility and carelessly pick one.

There are times when opportunities allure us so intensely that one overlooks the options, and form choices just on the basis of the fragility of his own state of mind. This is worse as his decisions or actions might change the course of life so drastically that he might not even be able to look back and pin-point what went wrong, if it does. It hits him so badly that he might forget at all what made him take such a course.

But, the worst condition is that when he’s not the one to make the choices. It’s being served to him and he has to choose. Firstly, the limitation itself chokes him and then the consequences of each choice leave him crippled, nauseated and frustrated.

Right from the day when we started recognizing our identity and began creating memories of ourselves, we were thrown into this vicious dungeon of choices. To buy bicycle or a football? ‘cos you can’t have both of them. To take Science or commerce? Here we didn’t have much to choose because the day we enter our last two best years of school, the devil of ‘competition’ grabs us from both his hands, ready to engulf our childhood and innocence. And then there’s no return.

Engineering or simple bachelors in Science? Or a diploma in Computers? Once done with them, which college? Which stream? Which company? Which Technology? In these choices, somewhere a cricketer or a painter or a musician or an artist is already strangled in no time. And when we do realize this vaguely, we are already doing the same with our own children. Even the realization of this trap doesn’t free us even then, or lets us free the ones that we love. Why is this love had to be like the handcuffs? We feel handcuffed throughout our lives, by our parents, by our expectations, by this ruthless world where the ‘right to live’ has been changed by ‘earn your living’ rule. Why do we pass these same handcuffs to the coming generations? Where is our freedom? Where is the CHOICE?

Contemplations.....

Finally, with all sorts of motivation, courage and ditching the laziness, I’ve decided to make another post in my blog. Not wanting to acknowledge the time that passed since my last blog entry, I certainly do realize where I’ve reached since then.

Looking at the date, I came to know that today I’ve completed 17 months at Accenture, at Pune and in this so called ‘the IT industry’. The journey has, nevertheless, been fascinating so far. And the time does teach a lot of things.

Not that I’ve never written or wanted to write a post during all this time. But it always ended up saved as a .txt file in the hard disk or sometimes even unwritten and buried inside the memory, mostly because they were weird at times, unorganized, or very saddening (depending upon the mood that day!). But, today it rushed through me.

To do a recap, this journey has been colorful, mixed with all sorts of emotions. From the Luxurious and ‘crowded’ flat of Roystonea to the shreds and Loneliness of ‘Shrishti’ apartment to the Peace here at ‘Kumar paradise’, it did bring up a variety of thoughts and lessons to learn. It taught me how live and adjust with friends (now I mostly refer to them as ‘roommates’ or ‘flat-mates’, the terms that I myself used to despise) and still be all alone. It has taught me how to respect their egos and suppress your own, at times, to make peace. I did understand the importance of concentrating on the job done, rather than arguing upon who’d be doing it. This is, perhaps, what people call ‘growing up’.

But then, to ‘grow-up’ means a lot more at the social level than the personal level. Your age starts to get noticed, the responsibilities that waited for so long start to creep up on you and it’s only you who has to own your decisions and bear the consequences, if any. You can no longer wait for ‘the right time to come’ and sort the things out, instead, you now curse the pace of time. Sometimes, time goes so slow that you just want it to accelerate and take you forward (may be a few months ahead), and sometimes it goes so fast that you miss it for the tasks undone. Then, you realize that it’s just the matter of your mismanagement that you just can’t cope up.

Also, it’s not only you who is growing, but the others around you tend to do the same. And, the worst part is, they tend to develop all sorts of ‘negativity’ too, that you’ve been facing. You now curse them for not listening to you even when you’re the one too, who wants to be heard more than to listen to them. You earn, and so do they. You want to sleep, and so do they. You want to spend good time, and so do they. You want to watch a movie, they might not. You want to clean the room, they might not. You don’t want to go out shopping, they want to. You don’t want to go for biking, they might want to. It’s just that the frequency that used to match even without uttering a word, now doesn’t happen, even with a lot of persuasion.

From all the things that I miss from my college days, the important ones are the friends and the family, and the unimportant ones are the booze, stick, matamandir tea, chappan and Counter Strike. Topics of discussion have drifted from cricket, movies, girls, life to Companies, Promotions, Salary, Career and of course the inevitable, ‘The Marriage’.

Moments that count as the ‘good times’ today – Phone call of a ‘close-to-heart but far-from-sight’ friend, Facebook chats, Lunch time with colleagues, playing Pool, Outings with Friends. Hey, but these things were a day-to-day ‘schedule’ during college times, didn’t they!

The time has already begun to take big decisions, to hold the steering in your hand. I just hope to drive safe…. ;-)

void lyf()

So, here I am, sitting in this so called PDC2 SEZ building, Accenture Pune at my designated terminal with a bunch of identities hung around my neck, one of them depicting me being an employee of some organisation and the other for getting access into this building where I'm sitting. Outside the window, I can see weather changing from light sunny to a beautiful cloudy evening. I want to feel the air rush into me, smell the first drops of water in the soil, but I can't. Thank god, I can have a look at it atleast, and anyways, I don't have time to enjoy all of this, I don't have the 'access card' for it, i guess....

A month has come to an end, and I wonder how had it been. Just a to and fro from the flat(not at all home..) to the office has left no time even to plan to go somewhere, explore this new city, hang out, or meet old friends. All I remember is the sessions I'd attended, the tests given and yet to give, the functions I've written in C (ofcourse a few of them were VOIDs like me...but even they had some purpose). Following the programming syntactics, solving case studies, and yeah, playing pool in the games room is what takes most of my life nowdays. But I seem to enjoy only the last thing I mentioned. Some of the new friends I'v met here have not gotten far from being acquaintances, because there is no time to work on the relationships, in contrast to what I got in 2.5 months at SGSITS. Professional life is all about pretence, and there is no space for personal self, and so I guess, seems to be the reason why I find myself gasping for air even in our 1500+sq.feet 'big' flat.

Turning back, I can see almost 60 of my peers(mildly put...competitors precisely) working hard to finish the tasks assigned by the trainer. I can even look at the girl whose smile makes my day. But then, as usual, I've lost even before I could fight. She has got her 'reason' to smile. Also, I can see few of my college mates too who are no familiar or stranger than any other person in the room.

They say, I think too much. But then, how can one spend even a minute of his life without thinking what its gonna be, or how is it gonna be. Here, at accenture we are taught to align our 'goals and objectives' to the organisation's. But I can't even find one to align with what. Don't know how long will this state of mind(if its just that...!!) going to continue.....and a change is what I need now.

On d othr syd of d fence...

............Looking back at the last one and a half month seems nothing more than a scheduled plan or a routine followed by a normal working man. But the ‘working’ isn’t as normal for the ‘man’ as it should. Apart from a day-to-day lecture plan, formal dress-up and white dust of the chalk here and there on my trousers, a set of transformations have also accompanied me on this new journey.

I remember having a silly ambition of being a teacher or a professor in my early school days, as I could see the clarity of concepts (and so the thoughts, I believed then) in my favorite teachers. And I should now say that those were the people who really deserved to be called a ‘teacher’.

Being a lecturer brought an undiscovered and unexpected path that led to what I believe as ‘introspection’. Not only the giggles of back-benchers and the curious eyes watching you teach make you feel conscious, but it’s the inner self, too, that compels you to explore your own strength and weakness, your ability to express, communicate, and impart the most valuable asset in this world, ‘knowledge’. I felt it as not merely a ‘job’ I had, but a ‘responsibility’ I carried.

Oh well, now I’m being quite boring but there’s a lot more fun to be on the other side of the fence. Like, to start with, no matter how good you might prepare your lecture, you certainly have to face the backbenchers, who might not be harsh, but certainly annoying sometimes. To be asked in between the lecture was actually exhilarating.
The best part comes during exams, when you are the one to set a paper (remembering the days when you used to curse the person who did that for you…!), invigilate (seeing people trying to cheat is actually annoying as in a sense, the cheater is trying to deceive your presence, which you don’t like at all..!! And yeah, I must say the all different kinds of faces that an examinee makes while going through various emotional and psychological upheavals, are very funny…!) and then to check those answer sheets (when you have to go through certain matter a hundred times or worse, to cut marks for a common mistake made by half of the class. But certainly there are answers that will always make you laugh, or even cry…!). In a way, I ‘completed’ my college life now.

...........Another phase of life that now comes to an end after the news of joining at accenture will certainly remain penned down in the heart and the blog is mere a preface.

3 Big Days...

There had been times, especially at MANIT, when it felt like we’ve had enough in a very short span of time, lots of events together, lots of emotional swings….but then, I can’t perhaps forget the last three days I’d spent, and probably I might be underestimating them right now, and would lately realize the course of my life that these three days might’ve brought and I might’ve forsaken them.

Day 1, 16th June, brought two lucrative offers, lectureship at SGSITS and an interview call from Yodlee. The first one was rather unexpected, actually both of them were, but more or less it was more surprising. After days of hardships and efforts, finally the fruit had ripened and paved the way for a full-fledged commitment towards something for the time being. There wasn’t a doubt while accepting the offer, considering the job and the salary (14k was too much to think). Then, there was another unexpected call from yodlee, asking for a face-to-face interview at Bangalore on the coming Tuesday. That was rather unusual and unattractive, considering the efforts (time and money, of course…) that were required and my own mindset about the company and the package, of course. Also a tinge of resentment due to their earlier cancellation of telephonic interview proved to be the ‘last nail in the grave’ for dropping the offer. Now, when I think about that day, the yodlee offer seems a chance or an option by the almighty as against the overconfidence I had in Accenture.

Day 2, 17th June, brought news, a bad one actually, that grows my anxiety day by day. Accenture had contacted TPO regarding the delay of joining, which was earlier understood, but not taken seriously due to the ‘good’ reputation of the company, but has now elevated fears after such an official announcement amidst the ‘lose-lose’ situation of many batch mates like us. Not only the security of ‘having a sure-shot job in hand with near joining date’ was breached, but an unsaid trust was broken. It’s like standing on an island, watching the rise of level inch by inch and having a blind faith that we won’t drown, and that shiver felt when for the first time the water touches our feet.

Day 3, 18th June, was perhaps one of the longest days I ever had and the ‘final blow’, so as to say, among the three days. The day started as the first day at SGSITS, as a lecturer, but the classes weren’t commencing so there was none to lecture to. I got to meet my other new fellow mates, who were as excited as I was, and then the HOD of CS department, Mr. Khan Sir, who was awkwardly helpful and energetic. Some ‘strategies’ were discussed with him regarding the subject distribution, teaching methodology, etc. On the way to home after an exhausting discussion, I received a call that was no less than a call from the God himself. It was from the admission section, MDI gurgaon, regarding the vacancy in the PGPHR course opted by me and, rejected and thrown into a waitlist by them, that was never meant to be cleared, but was now in my hands to accept or deny that seat. Was it a destiny’s chance or the Almighty’s way of bringing ‘twist and turn’ into the real life stories like mine, I was dumbstruck, unprepared for such a decision. I couldn’t say yes and never wanted to say no. I asked the person on the line to grant me sometime to reply, and he gave me exactly ‘some’ time of just few hours. Somehow, I composed my lightening thoughts and reached home. Then started a heavy round of discussion with almost everyone I met, or talked over phone, about the possibilities, the consequences and my own limitations. Everyone was more of a ‘convincing’ his own point rather than ‘suggesting’ or at least trying to understand me. Issues like poor placements at MDI, HR course, whooping fees structure and un-arrangeable first installment, bank rates of education loan, average package were discussed from length to breadth. But one thing that couldn’t be cleared was my own interest for which even I wasn’t sure. And one thing that was crystal clear, was the silver (if not golden) opportunity that I was about to abandon. There was a period of ‘yes’ when the discussion was almost leading to my admission, and then after a while or someone’s opinion, it was a ‘no’ and the discussion was flowing towards CAT’09 preparation for better opportunity, PSU jobs, etc. I didn’t know when I was able to drown everything into a blissful sleep, but knew that they would come up again the other morning with the sunrise. Finally, ‘no’ was the answer that gave peace to my soul, and a commitment (more of a ‘surrender’) that this wasn’t an end, even if it was.

The only wish I can make now is that those three days and those tough decisions prove to be apt and even if they don’t, they just teach a healthy lesson, and never become a future ‘remorse’.

Tough Time...

More than a month has passed leaving MANIT and the phase has changed completely. Clock ticks at a slower pace now, and when there’s nothing specific to do, one can even get caught counting the seconds. But this month has been a longer one for me, spent almost waiting.

The usual task that I can remember during the month was posting and forwarding my pathetic CV, which consists nothing more than a loser’s act of hiding the incompetence. Oops! That’s too harsh on me….

But then, there were lot of things to learn from such a vanity. To begin with, I started valuing my campus placement at accenture, that earlier seemed a cake walk at the time of placements and at that time I felt like obliging them! Then I felt empathy with all those who haven’t gotten through anywhere and have nothing in reserve, who after spending few lakhs on engineering, struggle to get a job worth few grands.

I also felt the sweat of hopelessness oozing out, when the ‘forwarding my CV’-thing didn’t really work due to various different reasons converging to few- my being a NITian, or having a job, or simply the so called recession. I always feared this, but underestimated it, or may be overestimated myself, and not getting into MDI meant 4 months straight in hand that now seem to pass with futility.
But this isn’t all, what really bites is the confusion. The confusion about the course of life, which can be changed by will right now or it may follow the time on its own. ‘Change’ isn’t that dreadful, but when the reason and result of the change isn’t known, one always prefers to stand still.

But then, there were lot of goodies too, my b’day being one of the best days. Met lot of friends, got lots of wishes, both expected and as a surprise. A get together now seems the best option to kill time that we enjoy every few days.

The pain of leaving friends and college is now getting replaced slowly, by a new pain, of getting left behind in the rush of time.

will not miss MANIT...

Goodbyes are all around…..finally those hard moments have come which I tried to push, but the time waits for none…people have started packing their bags, are making sure that not a trace is left…..but somewhere something is still missing, that they’ve forgotten…..a part of them is still here and it’ll remain here forever, like a ghost.

But I won’t miss MANIT, not a bit of it….all these four years are long enough…now one should move on. But may be everything won’t be normal soon….

Driving the bike at full throttle won’t be adventurous anywhere like what it used to be at mata mandir, new market and every inch of road of Bhopal……

Every morning when I would wake up, I would miss my small hostel room with stone hard bed and even the cushion of my bedroom won’t do….the delicious breakfast at home might not match the pathetic snacks at hostels for few days…..there won’t be any more classes to go to…..and if somehow I step into a place like that, and sit on the back-bench, giggles of ashish and ravish would echo in my ears and the voice of keshav saying “aaj dekh kya sahi lag rahi hai wo…”, would make turn n look for a glimpse of her....

Sitting on the PC would always make me sign in to gtalk and wait for a buzz to come from aditi with a smiley and a ‘hi’…..No more examinations will be conducted and if they would, I would always look at the person in front and somewhere my heart would ask “priya, 3rd ka 2nd part bata na”……no more eyes would look upon me asking objectives……

There won’t be rahul to whom I could ask weird questions about weird girls…..movies won’t be fun without watching them with Munna……no one would ever make any poems on me except Save……Nothing would sound more clear other than Illad’s pathetic hindi…..And I won’t be able to light a cigarette without Mradul saying TBM….

I wonder who will give me updates of college and the world without Jitu being there… certainly there won’t be a player like Shreyas at the pool tables anymore ….and a real friend like Apoorv who would read my eyes and lend a soothing hand on my shoulders…..and hell, I won’t get a buddy like Surya to take him with me wherever I want to, spill all the sentiments whenever I would be high, or just lay on his bed when I feel alone….

No more home-made stuff would be there to pounce upon, no more b’day contri parties, no more beautiful girls to go to college for, no more SMSs from a sweet junior, no more jolly Shubhi to talk to, endlessly, or fight with…No more PJs from Mr. Avi Maheshwari, no more whistlers like Jha and commentators like Devendraji…..studs like Ringo, and Waiky…..true leaders like Gireesh….

No more night outs, counter strike thrills, country side dhabas, matamandir tea stalls, prison break episodes, high volume rock band songs….and many crazier things.


............And, then, when I would look into the mirror, it would be hard to recognize this Naveen from what used to be something like ‘NJ/67’……and then I'll know I'm not missing MANIT, I'm missing my life.....

we part to meet again..

A new morning has begun…..i woke up earlier today, and after a long time, could hear the chirping of the birds. The wind was still cool and fresh and rushed into me. With its revival, the morning brings calmness, a new start, a new life….But then, the tranquility was within…..

Yesterday, we went to Hostel no. 2….from where our journey began and that seemed longer than four years then…..but it was not. Time went back, like a roller coaster of memories….four years passed like four beautiful moments….and then we stood there….our birth place, hostel no.2, room no.2116. The room, me, surya, tomar and all the indoris where the friendship was born and culminated and nourished by the togetherness, those naughty jokes, night outs, fragile sentiments, strong brotherhood, music, chattering, shouts, and some unsaid but heard sobs. Everything was as clear as the sky.

And we stood there, looking at each other, recognizing how we’d looked then, and what we’d become now…..changes brought by will or circumstances. But we were all the same; deep down inside we were again those vulnerable first year fresher. Or may be still we are, with a shield of four years to protect this innocence from the world and to tackle and accept newer challenges. Every one seemed on the verge to cry or at least to drop one tear from the eyes, the tear that could perhaps leave a trace of our existence on that place forever….but we didn’t. We waited for each other, gave strength to each other that we’ll still be together no matter what time or place. Or may be we felt short of tears, our eyes might have dried, or our smiles might have taken over. Nothing felt more valuable than those days, we could have paid any price to get them back, but we were all spent. Everything that starts has a relevant ending, I always thought. And indeed it is that everything ends in a similar fashion and in a similar time and may be at the similar place, in my experience.

Before few days, things were different and after few days, they may be a lot more different. Yesterday was a juncture, a turning point with the uncertainty of where the new road will lead, or whether the roads were different for each of us? That scared us most. Perhaps, we all stood at the common square for the last time, till where we’ve made our way together, hand in hand. Did we hold our hands for the last time and swiftly parted without a thought of it in our mind? I hope destiny proves me wrong again, at least this time, with its rule of

“We meet to part and part to meet again”

Friends, orkut n some old memories...

Friendship, by definition, is nothing actually. It’s just a sense of togetherness or a feeling of companionship. In the four years at MANIT, I’ve had numerous experiences (by myself or by seeing others) that there’s no criterion of friendship. And if there’s no criterion, it’s weird to define it. Two of them can be as distinct as nothing in common, different tastes, different lifestyles, ethics, ambitions, culture. What really binds them is out of my scope of understanding, and probably for this reason, I call friendship as an attribute of life, something that every living creature possesses, like that of a maternal love.

Just browsing over my friends’ list at orkut, were these weird thoughts browsing in my mind. With every profile, I could remember some old memories attached with that person, how had our friendship been, and what it is today. Some are with me right now, but many are not. Some were added to me long before, and some are recent. Some good friends, some acquaintances, and some even ‘haven’t met’ types. There were those whom I’ve added and wanted to be in touch always, but probably couldn’t, may be due to the changing phases that come in every friendship. This is something that actually shouldn’t happen as we’ve always read and said-“distance doesn’t matter in friendship”, but we don’t believe, infact can’t believe, because somewhere deep inside everyone knows that distances do make us apart. What is left is formality.

Then, there were friends whom I used to talk a lot online, but could see them pass by without saying even a ‘hi’. That was a kind of hypocrisy, or escapism. But none can be blamed. Then there were some, who I always wanted to be friends but didn’t have any guts to even speak to, and the best I could do to make myself happy is that send them a friend’s request and wait for their move. Some had been removed deliberately because of the indifference or from the irritation of not being in touch due to their low presence orkut. To some, I wanted to write a testimonial to express how good and important they are to me, and hope the same in future.

These aren’t just the feelings that one has regarding ‘orkut friends’, but it applies even in our lives. Orkut is a way we can recognize and distinguish those feelings with different people we meet, we come across and those who fill the empty spaces in our lives, share our happiness and sorrows, and make a good friendship.

With this blog, I don’t want to appreciate orkut (still can’t deny its role), but just want to express that friendship isn’t about being good friends, it’s in a broader sense, a relation with each and every person that plays an important role in the drama called ‘life’.

Identity Crisis..

Ever thought of what you want to see yourself become after 5-10 years? Ever thought that where you are today was not the best option you got when you were given choices? Ever thought of the butterfly effect of you own decisions, and where they might have led? Ever questioned yourself - 'where the hell I'v ended up' or 'what next now' or 'what is it that I'm really worth'? Ever got confused over your own interests, strengths, weaknesses, achievements...?

If even few of these questions ever haunted you, then probably you too are the member of the community, the sufferers of 'identity crisis'...Oh no...its not some sort of mental diorder, as it might seem....its just being wayward to your own self, and then getting confused over 'what i am and what i could?' Its a feeling - standing on a square and wondering which road to follow....without actually knowing the destination!!

Talking about its cause, it should be 'competition' in my opinion. But there might be others like lack of guidance, social aspects, family background, economic conditions....so and so...But then, one might choose his own path, fight the society, leave the background behind, beat his penury.....but, its pretty tough to compete with thousands( to say the least..), similar swimmers in this narrow pond, where everyone wants to rise up, drag down the rest, and come out as the winner....or atleast as a survivor. And Then what...?? The story repeats again....fight for another goal.

The present perspective is 'Learn, to earn'. Money has become a priority in the society, and one can't do justice with his own self. One could find many engineers who could become cricketers, many doctors who could become singers, or painters who'd become something else.....against their soul, and their talent.

But, there are many more pathetic cases....who still don't know what they could become and why they are what they've become...unable to identify themselves....lost in the crowd....trying to find a trail, a clue, a mentor....Who will guide them,lead them, take them towards their own soul, help them search themselves.....?

Who will guide me....

Good and Bad....

I had a very interesting noteworthy experience today....came to know one of my friends has quit drinking, seriously. I had heard many of my frns say this earlier but that ws just ephemeral. But this one was very committed, n I had to ask him "wsup dude, wat hapened..?? Any girl came in ur life..??" Why was I asking him the reason when he was doing a good job or sumthing that should be positive...?

Aftrwards I realised this notion - For all good things to happen, we always figure out the reason behind it. Like when I askd him abt his positive decision, we all do. But for bad things, we never try to find out its reason. Like I never remember myself or any1 ask this to his friends- "Dude, y r u smoking, or drinking, or y r u cheating, y r u telling a lie..." or anything like that.

Every good move has a reason behind it, n every bad move doesn't, except for the simple reason or fact that it leads to destruction (which can b said to b undrstood by us sumwhr in our conscience). Destruction of character, or destruction of morals, or destruction of health or the destruction of soul...

Also, with my own little experience of 'good' and 'bad', I realise that evry gud move needs efforts, n a bad move doesn't. Why do we always tend towards bad things more easily then gud ones.....?? Well, I guess, the simplest answer is that - falling freely is easier than climbing up !! n to make a complex point, I guess we , humans, are always attracted to short term, small pleasures or adventures that a bad move myt provide. We always know, in our animus, that what is 'right' n wat is 'wrong'...n we expect ppl to behave the 'right' way....but we, ourselves, want to try out the wrong way too...atleast for a while.
Now, for such behaviour, I'm not able to deduce the reason...n I call it 'natural human tendency'...perhaps, it looks like more of an escapists' justification, rather than a reasonable assertion...what do ya say...??

A new beginning....

Well.....just turning the pages of my small blog...(not exactly 'turning the pages' as one cant..!!), I just came to know that almost a year has passed since this was created.....
Had a gud start as few ppl read, n fewer commented...but then a lot things changed n a lot more incidents happened...that were probably worth writing down...(not to show or tell sum1...but myself)...

i remember being an 'okay' writer....but then, lost interest in it fr sumtym now.....(as it happens with evrything i do...all the tym)...
But then, here's this 'new beginning'...with this new year '09....I commit to keep myself alive...my blog, thoughts, n evrything that a heart wants to say,remember, n share...!!

Right now, ther's no specific topic to write about, but thr r lot of unwritten thought....soon to pop up from the mind, to this blog page....

Adieu for now..!

Suicide of a soul.....

...One pleasant day,............

when the breeze carry the fallen maple.........

i want to utter my solemn prayer....my last breath....

......to be carried away in the breeze, everlasting.

...and then, out of my own clemency, i wanna dagger my soul........

.....Dagger it, before i realise.......

That in this soul-slaying ruthless world,

....thou shall b judged not by his deeds,

..but the effigy that he prays to.......

......not his shelter,but where he communes....

Mosques,Temples,Churches...are now all different...

...for one, the other is futile structure...to be demolished.

And all its visitors be incinerated.....

...And so, before my soul gets smothered,

.......by the smoke of vengeance....

With a hope of a new sunshine,another day,

.....I renunciate the world, free from denigration.

.......................And immerse myself in the eternity............