Random Thoughts…

I could have never realized any more than now, that reality is more vivid, beautiful, harsh as well as bitter than imagination (or movies!).

I do believe that google has almost all the answers that one can think of. For me, it’s god-like (not being an atheist). But it has its own limitations. It cannot take away your fears, cannot cheer you up and neither it can change the reality.

OK, enough of beating around the bush! The thing is, there is a huge burden of emotional transitions that I’m going through currently – “letting go..” as well as “holding on..” situations. And the nearest god-like entity that I could seek some help from, was google. Searching through endless questions into the seamless network of lives connected through yahoo, youtube, blogs and many such virtual societies, I looked for people who had lived through the similar dilemma of “what’s right and wrong” and whose advises, experiences or even bickering could ease the restlessness. But I could still not get rid of the thoughts that are eating away my peace of mind.

I live in a constant state of doubt that something is hidden from me, and the mind continues to dive deep into the sea of irrational possibilities that might be part of the whole reality. I feel the pain and rage of whatever reality (part or whole) I’m aware of and the helplessness of neither being able to change it, or at least forget it! Every sweet moment spent reminds me of the possibility of it getting ruined in the next, and every expression of love appears to be an effortful gesture of sympathy. Neither I can share my mind with the closest ones, nor can I avoid venting it out.

I truly believe that everything comes back to you in this life. No act, howsoever good or bad, is carried forward to the next, for what has happened to me is clearly the result of what I might have done. I do NOT want to believe that everything has a reason to it, for it creates the unceasing pursuit of those ‘reasons’ and by the time I realize I cannot escape, I’m already neck-deep into the quagmire. The more I know, the more I want to know and the more vulnerable I get.

Sometimes, you don’t need a God to fix everything magically, but you need a guardian who can take care of you while you take care of the issues. I want solutions, not answers. I need support, not help.